What Divorce Has Taught Me

1. My divorce has taught me that i might be boarder line insane.
No explanation necessary as i am a Roberts by blood and lets face it....Roberts people are crazy. It is annoying to know that the traits i got from my birth dad are crappy hair, ugly feet, a terrible temper, and the ability to be mean as hell. 

2. My divorce has taught me that i put up with too much crap.
I accepted my life for what it was and never demanded more. I never insisted time be made for us to be a couple, i never insisted the drinking stop, i never insisted he be a more present father.

3. My divorce has taught me that i do not say no enough.
This applies to all aspects of my life. someone asks me for something and i say yes even when i want to say no....this will no longer be happening! i take on too much, become overwhelmed, and let it consume me.

4. My divorce has taught me that i wore blinders for way too long.
I allowed behavior that i swore i would never put up with. I didn't fight for myself and in the end expected someone to fight for me which was a mistake.

5. My divorce has taught me that i was a bad wife.
Maybe bad wife inst the word? Absent wife? Non affectionate wife? I wanted so much more out of my marriage. I feel that our lives became consumed by his work, his schedule, what he wanted. I always put our kids first and forgot allowed myself to forget what i was like to just be me and him. i allowed us to forget that we were a couple and not just mom and dad.

6. My divorce has taught me that i didn't love enough.
I didn't say i love you enough. I didn't make him a priority in the relationship sense. We NEVER had help with our kids. We never went on dates. We made excuses that we didn't have the money but that was never really the case. We simply didn't know how to ask for help and people very rarely offered. in my mind i thought as the kids got older this would be easier. they would need me less, i wouldn't mind them being with a babysitter. i truly thought things would get easier.

7. My divorce has taught me that i do not know how to communicate.
I feel attacked very easily. I get defensive and will snap very easily. I feel that i always have to defend myself and prove myself. I cant let anyone get the last word in. Im too aggressive. i didn't know how to ask for help. i didn't know how to make myself heard.

8. My divorce has taught me that i never put myself first.
I gave up education, work, myself. I never had a social life, i never felt comfortable asking for things, i lost friends. i became secluded, withdrawn, and unhappy.

9. My divorce has taught me that i am selfish.
I was selfish to think that because i did love him that he would always love me. I was selfish to think that because he cared for me and provided financially that he didn't need things too. I was selfish in many areas.

10. My divorce has taught me that my ex husband is selfish.
He had a slave. Someone to cook, clean, care for the kids. He had someone that rarely asked any thing from him. I made excuses for his behavior. 

11. My divorce divorce has taught me that i don't listen.
I heard him say the words "i am unhappy" "we need help" "you need help" but i didn't REALLY listen. 

12. My divorce has taught me that i am a crappy provider.
I thought by staying with the kids i was doing my "fair" share. I stopped bringing in ANY income almost 7 years ago. I put all the financial burden on him. We never went without, we always had nice things, we were always taken care of. If we needed more he bent over backwards to work over time. He was/is an excellent provider.

13.  My divorce has taught me that i did not get help for my depression.
I heard him a thousand times say that i needed help. I had depression after the birth of my first two kids and did nothing to change it. i gained weight, became bitter, angry, and mean. I brushed off what i was feeling and blamed everyone but myself. I heard him say that we need help. He chose to go to therapy and i chose to ignore it. i said we were normal. i said all marriages were like this. I was too afraid to go and hear that I was the problem. I was too afraid to go and admit there was something wrong with me.

14. My divorce has taught me that I tolerated too much crappy behavior.
I allowed him to be an absent father. I allowed questionable behavior. I allowed too much drinking. I allowed too much time spent away from the family. I allowed us to be put on the back burner. I allowed poor choices. I did not make him accountable for his actions. I accepted things that should have never happened. 

15. My divorce has taught me that I didn't accept apologize or truly forgive. 
I would hear the words but not forgive the actions. I would push all my emotions into a tiny little space inside and just ignore it. I would not truly forgive or forget. I held grudges, brought up the past, held it over his head. I swore i would forgive and never did. It took a lot for me to get to the point of truly forgiving for actions that hurt me beyond words. It always amazes me how one action can change your course. How one action can hurt so deeply that things are never the same. I have forgiven but i will never forget. I wont forget how it felt, i wont forget how i reacted, i wont forget how mean i was. I have forgiven though. I forgive all involved.

16. My divorce has taught me that It is possible to love and hate at the same time.
I never thought it was possible to love someone so deeply and to hate them at the same time. it is so strange to see him and think "god i love that man" and then to instantly be reminded that i hate him as well. I hate his actions. I hate his words. I hate his lies. I hate how his choices affect our family. I hate that he didn't choose me. I hate that he didn't fight for me. I hate that although i kicked him out he chose to walk away. I hate that he is now the dad i always needed him to be. I hate that i know in my heart how to change and fix our marriage and that he is no longer willing to do that. I hate that i have spent 12 years loving him and i am no longer enough for him. I also hate that even though i shouldn't feel that way...i do.

So many things i am angry about and it truly is a 50/50 battle. some days i am mad at him and others i am mad at myself. we both ruined our marriage and it breaks my heart more than anyone will ever know that no matter how much i try he doesn't want to come back and fix our family. i hate that my children suffer. i hate that my daughter cries for him and begs him to come home. I hate that my boys spend time with the new person in his life. i hate that he already has a new person in his life. I hate that this has became my life. There was a time when i thought i couldn't go on. There was a time when i thought if i just wasn't here any more he could remarry and they can care for my kids. There was a time when i thought the depression was going to consume me. There was a time when i did. I feel so much better in all aspects of my life except for where he is involved. I feel like he quit. He quit this family and i cant let that go. I wish there was a magic program for that. I wish i could wave a wand and that chapter would be closed and my heart didn't feel like it was being ripped from my chest. I hate the phrase "its too late" i hate when he says im trying too late or i waited until it was too late. I feel like i waited for years for things and it was never too late for me...ever. I hate that i created 50% of my own personal hell. I thought i could "fix" these simple things. I thought i could promise to change, i thought i could live a healthier life style, i could drop some weight, i could dress nicer, do my hair and make up, keep a clean house, get a job. I thought these things would matter. I thought i could plan dates, get help with the kids. I thought so many things. I guess at the end of the day what i didnt realize is that the damage had been done and even though it was repairable for me it just wasnt for him..... and let me tell you...that is a hard pill to swallow. 

So as you read this post...remember that it was not made to give a negative view about marriage, my ex, or myself. It is a post to show all the areas in every marriage that should never be avoided. It is a post to encourage all the things that i didn't do. It is a post to remind people WHY they got married and HOW to not allow this to be their lives. It is a post to remind people to love. To show love. Give love. To be loved. At the end of the day no matter what has been said, done, not said or not done he is the father of my children, the love of my life. The man i thought i would be married to forever. 

End of challege

So here are my results. I obviously didn't work out as hard as I could have but overall I am very pleased. My new found confidence, energy, and happy attitude is totally worth what went into the challenge. This lifestyle change will stick with me forever.