What Divorce Has Taught Me

1. My divorce has taught me that i might be boarder line insane.
No explanation necessary as i am a Roberts by blood and lets face it....Roberts people are crazy. It is annoying to know that the traits i got from my birth dad are crappy hair, ugly feet, a terrible temper, and the ability to be mean as hell. 

2. My divorce has taught me that i put up with too much crap.
I accepted my life for what it was and never demanded more. I never insisted time be made for us to be a couple, i never insisted the drinking stop, i never insisted he be a more present father.

3. My divorce has taught me that i do not say no enough.
This applies to all aspects of my life. someone asks me for something and i say yes even when i want to say no....this will no longer be happening! i take on too much, become overwhelmed, and let it consume me.

4. My divorce has taught me that i wore blinders for way too long.
I allowed behavior that i swore i would never put up with. I didn't fight for myself and in the end expected someone to fight for me which was a mistake.

5. My divorce has taught me that i was a bad wife.
Maybe bad wife inst the word? Absent wife? Non affectionate wife? I wanted so much more out of my marriage. I feel that our lives became consumed by his work, his schedule, what he wanted. I always put our kids first and forgot allowed myself to forget what i was like to just be me and him. i allowed us to forget that we were a couple and not just mom and dad.

6. My divorce has taught me that i didn't love enough.
I didn't say i love you enough. I didn't make him a priority in the relationship sense. We NEVER had help with our kids. We never went on dates. We made excuses that we didn't have the money but that was never really the case. We simply didn't know how to ask for help and people very rarely offered. in my mind i thought as the kids got older this would be easier. they would need me less, i wouldn't mind them being with a babysitter. i truly thought things would get easier.

7. My divorce has taught me that i do not know how to communicate.
I feel attacked very easily. I get defensive and will snap very easily. I feel that i always have to defend myself and prove myself. I cant let anyone get the last word in. Im too aggressive. i didn't know how to ask for help. i didn't know how to make myself heard.

8. My divorce has taught me that i never put myself first.
I gave up education, work, myself. I never had a social life, i never felt comfortable asking for things, i lost friends. i became secluded, withdrawn, and unhappy.

9. My divorce has taught me that i am selfish.
I was selfish to think that because i did love him that he would always love me. I was selfish to think that because he cared for me and provided financially that he didn't need things too. I was selfish in many areas.

10. My divorce has taught me that my ex husband is selfish.
He had a slave. Someone to cook, clean, care for the kids. He had someone that rarely asked any thing from him. I made excuses for his behavior. 

11. My divorce divorce has taught me that i don't listen.
I heard him say the words "i am unhappy" "we need help" "you need help" but i didn't REALLY listen. 

12. My divorce has taught me that i am a crappy provider.
I thought by staying with the kids i was doing my "fair" share. I stopped bringing in ANY income almost 7 years ago. I put all the financial burden on him. We never went without, we always had nice things, we were always taken care of. If we needed more he bent over backwards to work over time. He was/is an excellent provider.

13.  My divorce has taught me that i did not get help for my depression.
I heard him a thousand times say that i needed help. I had depression after the birth of my first two kids and did nothing to change it. i gained weight, became bitter, angry, and mean. I brushed off what i was feeling and blamed everyone but myself. I heard him say that we need help. He chose to go to therapy and i chose to ignore it. i said we were normal. i said all marriages were like this. I was too afraid to go and hear that I was the problem. I was too afraid to go and admit there was something wrong with me.

14. My divorce has taught me that I tolerated too much crappy behavior.
I allowed him to be an absent father. I allowed questionable behavior. I allowed too much drinking. I allowed too much time spent away from the family. I allowed us to be put on the back burner. I allowed poor choices. I did not make him accountable for his actions. I accepted things that should have never happened. 

15. My divorce has taught me that I didn't accept apologize or truly forgive. 
I would hear the words but not forgive the actions. I would push all my emotions into a tiny little space inside and just ignore it. I would not truly forgive or forget. I held grudges, brought up the past, held it over his head. I swore i would forgive and never did. It took a lot for me to get to the point of truly forgiving for actions that hurt me beyond words. It always amazes me how one action can change your course. How one action can hurt so deeply that things are never the same. I have forgiven but i will never forget. I wont forget how it felt, i wont forget how i reacted, i wont forget how mean i was. I have forgiven though. I forgive all involved.

16. My divorce has taught me that It is possible to love and hate at the same time.
I never thought it was possible to love someone so deeply and to hate them at the same time. it is so strange to see him and think "god i love that man" and then to instantly be reminded that i hate him as well. I hate his actions. I hate his words. I hate his lies. I hate how his choices affect our family. I hate that he didn't choose me. I hate that he didn't fight for me. I hate that although i kicked him out he chose to walk away. I hate that he is now the dad i always needed him to be. I hate that i know in my heart how to change and fix our marriage and that he is no longer willing to do that. I hate that i have spent 12 years loving him and i am no longer enough for him. I also hate that even though i shouldn't feel that way...i do.

So many things i am angry about and it truly is a 50/50 battle. some days i am mad at him and others i am mad at myself. we both ruined our marriage and it breaks my heart more than anyone will ever know that no matter how much i try he doesn't want to come back and fix our family. i hate that my children suffer. i hate that my daughter cries for him and begs him to come home. I hate that my boys spend time with the new person in his life. i hate that he already has a new person in his life. I hate that this has became my life. There was a time when i thought i couldn't go on. There was a time when i thought if i just wasn't here any more he could remarry and they can care for my kids. There was a time when i thought the depression was going to consume me. There was a time when i did. I feel so much better in all aspects of my life except for where he is involved. I feel like he quit. He quit this family and i cant let that go. I wish there was a magic program for that. I wish i could wave a wand and that chapter would be closed and my heart didn't feel like it was being ripped from my chest. I hate the phrase "its too late" i hate when he says im trying too late or i waited until it was too late. I feel like i waited for years for things and it was never too late for me...ever. I hate that i created 50% of my own personal hell. I thought i could "fix" these simple things. I thought i could promise to change, i thought i could live a healthier life style, i could drop some weight, i could dress nicer, do my hair and make up, keep a clean house, get a job. I thought these things would matter. I thought i could plan dates, get help with the kids. I thought so many things. I guess at the end of the day what i didnt realize is that the damage had been done and even though it was repairable for me it just wasnt for him..... and let me tell you...that is a hard pill to swallow. 

So as you read this post...remember that it was not made to give a negative view about marriage, my ex, or myself. It is a post to show all the areas in every marriage that should never be avoided. It is a post to encourage all the things that i didn't do. It is a post to remind people WHY they got married and HOW to not allow this to be their lives. It is a post to remind people to love. To show love. Give love. To be loved. At the end of the day no matter what has been said, done, not said or not done he is the father of my children, the love of my life. The man i thought i would be married to forever. 

End of challege

So here are my results. I obviously didn't work out as hard as I could have but overall I am very pleased. My new found confidence, energy, and happy attitude is totally worth what went into the challenge. This lifestyle change will stick with me forever.

Betrayal

I feel extremely betrayed tonight. My family has had a rough 6 months. My kids have been devastated and I have been destroyed. My heart has been broken and I felt the lowest I have ever felt. Tonight it was brought to my attention that although I have done my best to change and to better the situation for my family that some still feel the need to talk behind my back. So if you don't like me, don't like my posts, creep on my status updates to have something to talk about please feel free to hit that unfriend or block button. I won't be offended. 

11 years ago I married Peter. I vowed to love him through the good and the bad. We have had both in our marriage. I have been 100% against our divorce since day one. I have put on my big girl panties, taken the good with the bad, reacted in ways I should, and have continually asked him to come home. 

These are my choices and my choices alone. If you do not support them, unfollow me, unfriend me, leave me alone. My family is suffering and because this is a small town and people like to talk we will continue to suffer. 

Real Life Happens

That saying is what i took away from Chris Powell tonight while watching Extreme Weight Loss. How amazing is the human body? You can treat it like crap, beat it up, feed it junk, but it bounces back with a lot of work. Hard work, commitment, and dedication is all you need. There is no magic pill, no diet, no drinks that make you shed those pounds. Its time to take control of your destiny. Yesterday is gone but tomorrow is all yours. Tonight as my husband, ex husband, father of my children, whatever you want to call him pulled out of our driveway with our kids i reminded myself that yesterday is gone. That anger that i held on to, gone. That fear that i was never good enough, gone. That frustration, gone. Not only do i love that man that pulled out of my driveway, i love myself....and that is the first time i said those two things together in the same sentence. To truly feel amazing is a feeling that i haven't had in a very long time. it feels good to finally be in this place mentally. I just know that everything else will fall into place.

Work It Girl

So funny that I am on this journey changing my life and I take a part time job at a candy shop LOL last night was my first night and it was pretty awesome. It felt good to be doing something out of the house. I love that it is nights, only 12 hours a week, and I am still able to be a mom first. My schedule works great around the kids dads schedule so we are not out any child are costs either! My first night was great. It's been almost 7 years since I worked a 'real' job so it was definitely different but I learned a lot an will continue to learn more as the time goes on. So from now on I will be one busy girl but the pay off with make it all worth it 😊

Something to brighten your Sunday

Gotta love those morning pictures from my friends! I have the best challenge buddies and am so honored that they are taking this journey with me! I never imagined I would feel better in my 30's then I did in my 20's!!!!! 

Danielle's Results Day 1-10

Day 1

I am so lucky that a couple of my friends have been willing to post their results to my blog. My first friend to send info was David  (see his studly pictures below) my next friend is Danielle. She is officially down 20lbs, 5 of which she can thank AdvoCare and the 24 day challenge. She is also down to a size 10 pant size!!!

Day 10

Hello Day 10

Today is day 10 and boy am i feeling great!!! I can not stress enough how amazing i feel. My body feels lighter and tighter. My mind feels free and clear. My head is happy, my heart is happy. This has been the most amazing change i have ever made for myself. I am so glad that for once i put myself first and made this my new life. Days 11-24 bring lots of water, vitamins, meal replacement shakes, and working out. I truly hope that any one that reads my blog and is looking for a life change head over to my AdvoCare site and take a look around. I would love to be your cheerleader through this journey and help you in any way possible.

Spark!

Found this little beauty on the web this morning! Lots of friends have been asking about Spark today. Let me just say it is my new favorite thing. Bye bye soda and coffee! Hello healthy, wonderful, tasty spark! 

A little update from one of my challenge friends

David has been kicking butt and taking names lately!!! He got us all crazy motivated and using my fitness pal to track our weight loss. He made us a team, held out hands, supported us, kicked us in the booty, and inspired us all. He has already lost 50+ just by diet and excersize alone. I am so excited to see his results with advocares amazing products!

Here's a little bit of info he sent me:

"Spark really helps me with energy in mornings guts feel light not bloated. Lost 5 lbs in the first week. Lots and lots if water following diet helps. Supplimenting extra protien from beans helps with hunger and light lunches are tending to help with less over eating"

David's wife Jennifer is also one of our challenge buddies...she and I had lunch today and let me just say that girl is looking awesome too!!!

God really blessed me with amazing friends that keep me motivated. I am so happy they chose to take this journey with me!!!! 

Day 8 AdvoCare 24 day challenge

Today is day 8 and I am still feeling amazing! My energy level is awesome! I don't crash mid day like I did with coffee, don't miss sodas, and truly feel like a million bucks! My body looks different to me every single day and I am very impressed with how easy this program is to follow! I am eating healthier than I ever have before and am drinking tons of water! 

I'm also super impressed with how well my buddies are also doing!!! We text daily and sometimes do a little over sharing but hey that's what friends are for! 

Day 8 means the break from the dreaded fiber drink is over. Thankfully I am experienced in 'chugging' because that stuff gets real thick if it sits too long! Once that is down the rest of the day is easy peasy. 

Each day I am feeling better and I look forward to being able to continue to post my results as I see them. 

Today I chatted with a friend who was wondering what the costs were with products. What I commonly hear is that they are too expensive. I too was concerned about the cost but I also know that buying this many vitamins would be more expensive! These products have everything you need all rolled into one. They are backed an scientifically proven. The results are everywhere my friends! The time is now to invest in your future. Take a leap and believe in yourself! 

Day 1-3 of the 24 day challenge

Yup I'm putting it out there for the world to see!!!! Here I am on day one and day three! 156lbs of unhealthy and unhappy woman! I have gained weight with the birth of each of my children and have not lost a single pound.....until now! 

I find the challenge to be very easy. I was afraid at first because I am dry poly but I am managing just fine. The fiber drink is exactly what I expected it to be but totally manageable. The herbal cleanse pils are huge but easy to get down. I guess my most difficult part is the amounts of fluid and food first thing in the morning. I am typically not a breakfast person so this has been an adjustment. 

I am loving my spark energy drinks first thing in the morning. They give me just enough energy to survive my busy day and leave me feeling awesome until bed time. I'm shocked to say that I don't even miss coffee! 

I don't have pictures or results for my buddies that are also taking this journey with me but I can say that one has lost almost 2lbs and the other has lost 3lbs! We are all feeling great and stoked to see what is in store for us!!!! 

The New Jasmine

Well again i let my blog go. My life got crazy and i had to take a little "me" time. 

After almost 11 years of marriage I am getting divorced. This came as a shock to me and i decided not to go public with it for a long time. My papers came a couple weeks ago and now i am learning to accept my new life and my new freedom. Although i knew that we had problems i never knew this was an option. For me, divorce was never an option. I believe you got married for a reason, you stayed together for a reason, you push through the hard times, and always remember why you fell in love with that person. I spend a lot of time now thinking of all the ways i messed up and all the ways i could have done things differently. Obviously, none of that matters now but i cant help it. I am a problem solver. Every day i am grateful for the life i have, for the love that i shared with another person for 12 years. I am grateful for the commitments that we made to each other and the children that we brought into this world together. Yes i shed my fair amount of tears on a regular basis but i am learning that this is ok.  I am accepting my new life for what it is and making the best out of it.

A couple weeks ago i decided to reach out to a friend that is also a single parent. I was/am struggling with not having my children with me. I haven't spent a night away from them basically ever. I feel that for the most part i have raised them on my own this entire time so having to share them now has been extremely difficult. Not to mention i am in the north county alone with no friends or family here. So when the kids are not with me i find myself with absolutely nothing to do. Reaching out to this friend was probably the best decision i have made in a while. It was nice to hear how someone else works out sharing custody. It was also nice just to have someone to talk to that doesn't know my ex husband, someone that could give an unbiased opinion.

Good ol' social media has given me an opportunity to follow this friends journey for a while now. His posts are always inspiring and watching him transform his life has truly been amazing. At the end of our conversation he shared with me how he made this changes in his life. He shared his passion for helping others, living a healthy lifestyle, and having a healthy state of mind. He shared his Advocare business with me. For a while now my group of friends and I have talked about trying the 24 day challenge through Advocare. What held us back initially was the cost. After talking with this friend i realized a couple of things:

1. This guy really has it together
2. Wow he lost a lot of weight
3. He seems healthy not only in body but in spirit as well

I realized that i too want that for my life. 

I have struggled with my weight for several years now. I knew i was never going to be that 100lb 18 year old girl again but i also knew i never wanted to be the 180lb over weight woman again either. I made excuses for years, i said i didn't have the time, didn't have the money, and didn't have the support. I made a choice that day to really look into these products, this company, listen to other peoples stories, and make a choice to change my life no matter what it takes. On April 30th i decided to join his Advocare team. I also talked a few of my friends into doing the 24 day challenge with me and am excited to blog our results from day one until day 24. So if you are reading this...stick with me. Ill be posting results, meals, and photos soon.

If you are interested in learning more about the Advocare company or products i can definitely shoot you in the right direction! This is the link to my personal Advocare site feel free to look around, check out products, and ask questions if needs be. I look forward to growing with this company and helping others on their journey to a healthier life style. www.AdvoCare.com/140479546